fucking circles

what to do, what to do..

i've always perceived myself as a misfit, an outsider.. as if i couldn't belong fully to one space. to one person. to one specifical time. i always took for a fact that i am, indeed, someone "special", not necessarily in a bad way, but not precisely in a good one either.

eventually, those things reveal themselves as they are. Not tailor-made for me, and i fight and suffer while trying to fit in. As if i'm too weird to like, too rare to understand, too hard to love.. If i, for heaven's grace, find myself discovering a new comfort zone, I idealize it. I idolize it. I thank you for not putting your cigarette out on me. I bleed and i sweat to never let that go away. To increase the attraction. Even to the point of not being true to myself. And that's when the dissapointment begins. I dissapoint myself, you disappoint me, he disappoints me.. and the grudge is born, gets bigger everytime and hurts worse.

and i get scared, and i feel down, and i give up.
and that's quite about it, the reason of all my "pulling-back" self-innuendos. The reason why it's too hard to move on for me, the reason why i get so attached to people, to things, to places once i find out i can relate in someway to it/them. fucking circles.